Fruitopian Crisis
“I see Gatorade, Powerade, Snapple, Lipton, but I don’t see any Fruitopia. Can you check the back to see if you have any?”
“Sir, I’m not sure what that is.”
“Well, CLYDE, it says on your nametag that you’ve been proudly serving this community since 1989. How do you NOT know what Fruitopia is?? Strawberry Passion Awareness, The Grape Beyond, Beachside Blast? ARE YOU SERIOUS?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t carry that.”
The rage builds. I try to tip over the entire beverage aisle, but it doesn’t budge. “Help me push this shelf over, Clyde, it’s actually pretty heavy,” I grunt.
“Sir, I’m not going to help you destroy my grocery store. In fact, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
I grab a bottle of Snapple iced tea and smash it violently at Clyde’s feet as tears begin to stream down my face. “Don’t you see? You are doing your part in tearing my childhood away from me! It’s gone, it’s all gone!”
Clyde is a caring man; he holds me against his apron as I sob. “There there, it’s okay, son,” he consoles me. “Now c’mon, I will show you where the Gushers are, and the gummy frogs, and the Funyuns, Corn Nuts, and Gobstoppers. It’s not all gone.”
Intervention
“Hi Jason, how was your d… Oh, hi Bill? Tina? Jessica, what are you doin here? What’s this all about?!”
“Rufus, we are all here for you. We need to talk about your problem,”
“THIS BETTER NOT BE ABOUT ME EATING OTHER DOGS’ POO! It’s completely natural and I get key nutrients that are missing from my diet. This is absurd!”
This portrait of a cute & innocent version of me stands on a shelf at my parents’ house. It’s broken. #symbolism (Taken with instagram)
From fellow Utahn, and all around nice guy, Pablo Blaqk, this is a chilling song/video called “Lay Me Down.”
(Source: youtube.com)
Your frequent diners do everything else big, too. (Taken with instagram)
“Like a rock” -Bob Seger
Bioré Me
I just tried a Bioré Pore Strip and it feels like my nose got a haircut! Fellas, you should definitely try these. DO NOT be intimidated by the idea, they’re actually quite easy to use. Just follow these steps:
1. Go to your local Walgreen’s and purchase nose strips. You may want to buy some beer and Magnum condoms so as to distract the cashier from your pore clearing purchase.
2. Go home and sneak into your bathroom.
3. Wash your face with your usual facial cleanser, leave face moist.
4. Apply Bioré Pore Strip to blackhead-plagued area. Try not to barf over your pimply hideousness. But it’s okay, youthful beauty is just around the corner!
5. Allow strip to dry for 10 minutes. Pass the time by making fun balloon animals with the Magnum condoms you bought at Walgreen’s.
6. Slowly peel away blackheads and manhood.
(Source: goodassdog, via adamfogle)
Wonder Dog
I wake up in a psych ward, surrounded by my family. “We have something to tell you,” my mom says reluctantly. “You don’t actually have a dog. You created Tulo in your head. You’ve actually just been dragging a loaf of Wonder Bread around for two years. It finally got so moldy and stinky, we had to do something about it. We couldn’t play along anymore.”
“WHERE’S TULO?” I scream. As I try to get up, the restraints tighten around my wrists and ankles.
My dad pulls a plastic bag full of black gunk from behind his back. “Jeff…this…this is Tulo.”
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?! NOOOOOOO! TULOOOO!!! WHYYYYY???”
Shiny Things from Fanfarlo’s new album.
Spinning
6 or 7 minutes in, I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I knew I shouldn’t have taken a spot on the front row. I get off my bike and hunch over; I begin to vomit. The entire spin class slows its pedaling pace to watch me. A beautiful foam of fluorescent yellow and hot pink emerges from my mouth and splatters on the ground in front of the instructor.
“YOU ACT LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN MARSHMALLOW PEEPS” I have to yell over the speakers playing a very loud and obnoxious(er) version of a Maroon 5 song, “THEY’RE AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR EASTER CANDY AND THEY’RE DELICIOUS.”
I grab my water bottle, and sashay through the maze of cyclists. As I exit the gym, the music slowly fades behind me. I’m feeling much better now.
