February 2012
9 posts
PLEASE BUY MY WATCH!
FOR SALE: this is a luxury watch my company generously gave to the sales force for reaching $500 million in 2006. Beautiful face of the watch is gold (not real gold) and the ravishing band is leather (not real leather) with an exotic alligator skin pattern. Inside the face, you have our custom company logo (which is now outdated). Feminine enough for a woman, almost masculine enough for...
My Top 10 Movies of 2011!
It’s the eve of the Oscars! Here are my favorite movies of 2011 with 5 word reviews that are also links to the trailers!
10. Young Adult. Charlize’s character terrible yet endearing!
9- The Ides of March. Politics suck, but very intriguing!
8-Submarine. Napoleon Dynamite meets Rushmore. Wales!
7-Hesher. Laughed, cried, loved. Rainn Wilson!
6. Beginners. See this no matter...
Oil Change
The Jiffy Lube guy calls me in from the waiting room, a disappointed scorn on his face. “This is your air filter. As you can see, it’s extremely dirty. We can replace it for $19.99.”
“Hmmm…” I grab the air filter from his hand and bang it against the desk repeatedly. A cloud of dust and debris envelops both of us. “There, it’s better now,” I...
Difficult Jobs
Roofer
Street Sign Spinner for Planned Parenthood
Adele’s Incisors
Hometown Buffet Bathroom Attendant
Forest Whitaker’s Beautician
Swiss Cheese Hole Maker
Barnyard Animal Sperm Sample Collector
London Dentist (they have bad teeth there!)
The Tasmanian Devil’s Insurance Agent (he’s so reckless!)
Roger Ebert’s Smile Coach
Hot Chocolate Salesman in Hell
...
What happens when you put your earbuds in your...
R earbud: Hey, he can’t see us. Let’s do that thing that we do. L earbud: Okay. You go around me 5 or 6 times. R earbud: K, now go under here, then over there, then around that 4 times. L earbud: Left hand, red circle; then right foot, yellow circle. LOL! R earbud: Hahaha he’s gonna be SO pissed when he takes us out. High five! L earbud: High five! Oops missed. Oh well, another...
If I Were Mark Zuckerberg
If I were Mark Zuckerberg:
-I would add a “dislike” button.
-I would use the ‘Permanent-Press Cycle’ setting on my dryer, cuz the wrinkles in my shirt in the pic above don’t make me look like a bazillionaire.
-I would buy a small country and become king. My crown would be intense.
-If you’re pregnant and post pictures of your gross zygote fetus thing, when...
