“Hi Jason, how was your d… Oh, hi Bill? Tina? Jessica, what are you doin here? What’s this all about?!”
“Rufus, we are all here for you. We need to talk about your problem,”
“THIS BETTER NOT BE ABOUT ME EATING OTHER DOGS’ POO! It’s completely natural and I get key nutrients that are missing from my diet. This is absurd!”
From fellow Utahn, and all around nice guy, Pablo Blaqk, this is a chilling song/video called “Lay Me Down.”
I just tried a Bioré Pore Strip and it feels like my nose got a haircut! Fellas, you should definitely try these. DO NOT be intimidated by the idea, they’re actually quite easy to use. Just follow these steps:
1. Go to your local Walgreen’s and purchase nose strips. You may want to buy some beer and Magnum condoms so as to distract the cashier from your pore clearing purchase.
2. Go home and sneak into your bathroom.
3. Wash your face with your usual facial cleanser, leave face moist.
4. Apply Bioré Pore Strip to blackhead-plagued area. Try not to barf over your pimply hideousness. But it’s okay, youthful beauty is just around the corner!
5. Allow strip to dry for 10 minutes. Pass the time by making fun balloon animals with the Magnum condoms you bought at Walgreen’s.
6. Slowly peel away blackheads and manhood.
I wake up in a psych ward, surrounded by my family. “We have something to tell you,” my mom says reluctantly. “You don’t actually have a dog. You created Tulo in your head. You’ve actually just been dragging a loaf of Wonder Bread around for two years. It finally got so moldy and stinky, we had to do something about it. We couldn’t play along anymore.”
“WHERE’S TULO?” I scream. As I try to get up, the restraints tighten around my wrists and ankles.
My dad pulls a plastic bag full of black gunk from behind his back. “Jeff…this…this is Tulo.”
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?! NOOOOOOO! TULOOOO!!! WHYYYYY???”
Shiny Things from Fanfarlo’s new album.
6 or 7 minutes in, I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I knew I shouldn’t have taken a spot on the front row. I get off my bike and hunch over; I begin to vomit. The entire spin class slows its pedaling pace to watch me. A beautiful foam of fluorescent yellow and hot pink emerges from my mouth and splatters on the ground in front of the instructor.
“YOU ACT LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN MARSHMALLOW PEEPS” I have to yell over the speakers playing a very loud and obnoxious(er) version of a Maroon 5 song, “THEY’RE AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR EASTER CANDY AND THEY’RE DELICIOUS.”
I grab my water bottle, and sashay through the maze of cyclists. As I exit the gym, the music slowly fades behind me. I’m feeling much better now.
Turns out I have 146 Tumblr “followers.” Where did you all come from? Who are you? Is one of you my dad? Just in case: come back, dad! I’m sorry I didn’t hold the flashlight still enough for you while you were working on the car.