Breakfast

I wake up hungry. I reach into the package of Coconut Dreams cookies. My conscience chimes in, “NO, not until you eat some breakfast first!” Annoyed, but in agreement, I pull my hand out of the cookie package. I pour myself a heaping bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I eat it, then follow it up with another. Then I enjoy 4 Coconut Dreams cookies. My conscience and I rest easily.

PLEASE BUY MY WATCH!

FOR SALE: this is a luxury watch my company generously gave to the sales force for reaching $500 million in 2006.

Beautiful face of the watch is gold (not real gold) and the ravishing band is leather (not real leather) with an exotic alligator skin pattern. Inside the face, you have our custom company logo (which is now outdated).

Feminine enough for a woman, almost masculine enough for a man.

I don’t think it tells time all that well, but that’s what cell phones are for! Really, it’s more of a fashion accessory anyway. Formal enough for a company party or dinner at Chile’s. Casual enough for working in the yard or dinner at Applebee’s.

Let me know if you’re interested in this limited edition timepiece. Probably worth absolutely nothing, but it’s yours for only $6.50!!  I accept PayPal.

My Top 10 Movies of 2011!

It’s the eve of the Oscars!  Here are my favorite movies of 2011 with 5 word reviews that are also links to the trailers!

10. Young Adult. Charlize’s character terrible yet endearing!

9- The Ides of March. Politics suck, but very intriguing! 

8-Submarine. Napoleon Dynamite meets Rushmore. Wales!

7-Hesher. Laughed, cried, loved. Rainn Wilson!

6. Beginners. See this no matter what!

5. The Descendants. About Schmidt, Sideways, now this!

4. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Heavy. Wow. Intense. Rooney Mara!

3. Take Shelter. Michael Shannon Best Actor robbed!

2. Moneyball.  Made for baseball nuts & everyone!

1. Drive.  Become cooler just by watching!

Oil Change

The Jiffy Lube guy calls me in from the waiting room, a disappointed scorn on his face. “This is your air filter. As you can see, it’s extremely dirty. We can replace it for $19.99.”

“Hmmm…” I grab the air filter from his hand and bang it against the desk repeatedly. A cloud of dust and debris envelops both of us. “There, it’s better now,” I say, coughing between each word, “I’ll be in here watching Dr. Phil.”

Difficult Jobs

• Roofer
• Street Sign Spinner for Planned Parenthood
• Adele’s Incisors
• Hometown Buffet Bathroom Attendant
• Forest Whitaker’s Beautician
• Swiss Cheese Hole Maker
• Barnyard Animal Sperm Sample Collector
• London Dentist (they have bad teeth there!)
• The Tasmanian Devil’s Insurance Agent (he’s so reckless!)
• Roger Ebert’s Smile Coach
• Hot Chocolate Salesman in Hell
• Kim Kardashian’s Priest
• Kim Kardashian’s Tutor
• Kim Kardashian’s Gynecologist
• Mouse Sunglasses Maker
• Paul Giamatti’s Bath Towel
• Quantum Physicist
• Billy Joel’s Liver
• Cop
• Queen Latifah’s Brassiere
• Newt Gingrich’s Suntan Lotion Applicator
• Saturn Car Salesman

What happens when you put your earbuds in your pocket

R earbud: Hey, he can’t see us. Let’s do that thing that we do.

L earbud: Okay. You go around me 5 or 6 times.

R earbud: K, now go under here, then over there, then around that 4 times.

L earbud: Left hand, red circle; then right foot, yellow circle. LOL!

R earbud: Hahaha he’s gonna be SO pissed when he takes us out. High five!

L earbud: High five! Oops missed. Oh well, another tangle for him hahaha

If I Were Mark Zuckerberg

If I were Mark Zuckerberg:

-I would add a “dislike” button.

-I would use the ‘Permanent-Press Cycle’ setting on my dryer, cuz the wrinkles in my shirt in the pic above don’t make me look like a bazillionaire.

-I would buy a small country and become king. My crown would be intense.

-If you’re pregnant and post pictures of your gross zygote fetus thing, when that thing grows up, it must use that same picture as its profile picture for its entire life.

-If you post food pics, you have to supply enough of that food item for everyone that “likes” your pic.

-Basic manners would be enforced. For instance, you aren’t allowed to “like” people’s comments on someone’s status update until you have “liked” the original status update.

-Scrap relationship statuses all together. Nobody cares and it causes too much drama.

-I would force everyone to follow me and my latest stupid joke would automatically be at the top of everyone’s timelines at all times.

-Every time you check into the gym or talk about how hard your personal trainer worked you, you must post a video of you eating a half gallon of ice cream with chopsticks.

-“Likes” would be a currency. You could turn them in at an online store to purchase pizzas and boomerangs and stuff.

-I would change the name of “likes” so that people wouldn’t sound confusing when writing it in a sentence without putting quotes around it.

-I would change my last name. Zuckerberg? The Z is cool, but it just falls off a cliff after that. How about Zebraman?

-Every self portrait that you post will be permanently tagged as “<First name> NARCISSIST <Last name>”

-I would make a rebuttal to ‘The Social Network’ called ‘The Social Network: What ACTUALLY Happened.’ And it would just be a bunch of scenes of me scorin hot chicks and dunking over tall basketball players. 

-I would have Jesse Eisenberg killed for portraying me as an A-hole.

-I would have so many beautiful woman around me all the time, cuz I’m Mark Zuckerberg Zebraman.