If I Were Mark Zuckerberg

If I were Mark Zuckerberg:

-I would add a “dislike” button.

-I would use the ‘Permanent-Press Cycle’ setting on my dryer, cuz the wrinkles in my shirt in the pic above don’t make me look like a bazillionaire.

-I would buy a small country and become king. My crown would be intense.

-If you’re pregnant and post pictures of your gross zygote fetus thing, when that thing grows up, it must use that same picture as its profile picture for its entire life.

-If you post food pics, you have to supply enough of that food item for everyone that “likes” your pic.

-Basic manners would be enforced. For instance, you aren’t allowed to “like” people’s comments on someone’s status update until you have “liked” the original status update.

-Scrap relationship statuses all together. Nobody cares and it causes too much drama.

-I would force everyone to follow me and my latest stupid joke would automatically be at the top of everyone’s timelines at all times.

-Every time you check into the gym or talk about how hard your personal trainer worked you, you must post a video of you eating a half gallon of ice cream with chopsticks.

-“Likes” would be a currency. You could turn them in at an online store to purchase pizzas and boomerangs and stuff.

-I would change the name of “likes” so that people wouldn’t sound confusing when writing it in a sentence without putting quotes around it.

-I would change my last name. Zuckerberg? The Z is cool, but it just falls off a cliff after that. How about Zebraman?

-Every self portrait that you post will be permanently tagged as “<First name> NARCISSIST <Last name>”

-I would make a rebuttal to ‘The Social Network’ called ‘The Social Network: What ACTUALLY Happened.’ And it would just be a bunch of scenes of me scorin hot chicks and dunking over tall basketball players. 

-I would have Jesse Eisenberg killed for portraying me as an A-hole.

-I would have so many beautiful woman around me all the time, cuz I’m Mark Zuckerberg Zebraman.